Hardly, but it's only fair you get the version that isn't twisted by words said in anger.
During the war I was a favorite of his in the army he commanded. When I defected and he proceeded to stalk me and send bounty hunters after me for my trouble to get me back.
that story is an unbearably familiar echo. the collar cinched into her bones suddenly feels tighter, a suffocating presence at the base of her throat. ]
did he send them because you were a valuable asset, or because he was in love with you?
[ as in love as anyone can be, she supposes, when their obsession overshadows all else. all reason. maybe the answer shouldn't matter, but she finds herself deathly, dangerously curious. ]
maybe. i don't know if i could ever say i know what you must've endured. not fully, anyway.
[ it's close enough to the truth for alina not to feel much more than a pinprick of guilt for her defensive coping mechanism, skirting past her own reflections on the matter. ]
can i ask how did you feel about him? was leaving an easy choice?
[ They don't need to be having this conversation face to face to see the walls going up. Impressive, Drift thought he was adept at cutting threads of conversations before they start. ].
You can. Then? Then I think part of me still believed he would change the world and save us all. That I still had a debt to him for bringing me off the streets, giving me a purpose and even a name. Leaving wasn't even a choice then. It had just sort of happened by mistake but by the time I had distance from him and my old life I knew I could never go back.
[ He'd never loved him, and hell, Drift doesn't think he'll ever fully like him now. Drift only ever truly loved someone once, and they were gone. ]
That was a lifetime ago, but I don't think we'll ever be 'friends' but he's all I've got of home now.
Sorry, I know you wanted a lighter conversation. I can go back to pretending to be angry with your needling about my non-existent private life if you'd prefer.
[ maybe there isn't any need to quantify it — and so she doesn't, crushing it down into the dirt to bury it. carefully, she steps over the snipped thread of that line of questioning, rather than follow it down to the dark places it will lead her. ]
being given a purpose isn't always a gift. it sounds like you were right to leave that part of your past behind you to find a new purpose.
[ as behind him as he could, at any rate; alina knows all about being haunted by the pieces of home that had stalked them here like a taunt from fate itself. like finding comfort in the crumbled foundation of a broken home, no matter how the uncomfortable cold seeps through the walls. ]
no, it's my fault. i shouldn't have asked you to dig up bad memories. sorry.
You're right.[ A neutral enough response that Alina won't feel goaded into answering. She was asking the questions, not him. ]
But not every memory has to be 'bad' for it to need to be let go in the end.[ He laughs at himself where it goes unheard to the lines of text ]
Annnnnd you probably don't want to hear me start waxing philosophical either. I think I've given you enough ammunition to tease me over you don't need an arsenal
if you can let it go. some of us are more sentimental than we should risk being.
[ if you aren't alina, digging her claws into memories — forcing them to bleed, in some desperate hunt for the truth. it would be simpler to toss them aside. it's what she should do, what she needs to do, to maintain her own sanity and yet ... ]
no, not tonight. maybe later when i can write down notes for future teasing sessions.
then let my several millennia of sentimentality be a better warning than an example[ A joke at his own expense that was still very much what it appeared: A warning ]
I'd be angry if I weren't flattered by the dedication How are you holding up?
pictures and i'm familiar with the phrase even if i don't understand it but i can infer it has something to do with manners
i don't think you have bad manners i just don't think i've given you enough reason to trust me which is alright i've accidentally compared you to a whole zoo by now
if you're going to compare me to something you could at least make it a nicer creature. like a firebird. or a dragon.
[ splendid, mythical. creatures that might be hunted for their scales and their spark, but too powerful to be felled. it's a pleasant fantasy, at any rate, even if alina isn't certain what she is. not a mouse any longer — perhaps just morozova's stag, bleeding out in the snow, too great a threat to be left alive. ]
don't take it personally. most people don't give me enough reason to trust them.
[ for all that she's offered trust here, it's in parts and parcels. what does she trust? clara's determination. rhysand's devotion. yelena's honesty. aleksander's calculating mind. drift's commitment to the right cause. the fault isn't with drift — but with her. ]
Is a firebird similar to a phoenix? i could see the parallels you're both very bright
[ there is a three-decker novel to be read between the lines of everything Alina was saying. drift might be slow on Earth fauna, but mythical creatures were not solely in the territory of human folklore, and one universal constant was they weren't known for trusting easily
having lived more than one lifetime snapping at outstretched hands drift could sympathize ]
you're right people conflate caution with cynicism i never cared for that
maybe. i've never heard of a phoenix before its a bird whose wings were born of flames legend says sankta vasilka turned into the first firebird after weaving wings if it was that simple all of us would be firebirds
[ the pang of envy knotting in her chest is a stupid, childish thing — envious of fairytales, the impossible becoming possible, sankta vasilka's flight of freedom. like a candle in the wind, she stamps it out with a gusting exhale. ]
is there much difference between the two? both are born from experience, in their own way
what i've come to understand in most cultures a phoenix is a bird prevalent in human mythology associated with fire in some countries meant to symbolize rebirth and only appears in areas or places that are blessed very popular tattoo choice among street gangs, actually
[ human history was a rich tapestry and drift envies alina for having multitudes to chose from ]
very much so caution allows for the chance to be proven wrong where cynicism does not
this one was created from someone's fingerbones. i suppose that's just a morbid method of rebirth can't say i know many street gangs. if i didn't know any better i would say you have a miscreant reputation
[ only she does know better, and she's still certain — from sprinkled clues she's collected — that drift's past is one shrouded in seediness. ]
in that case, i'm cautious but i don't expect to be proven wrong, either
[ only to be proven right. but drift's differing definitions — it's too close to the dividing line between herself and aleksander. her caution, and his paranoia, his inability to allow the freedom to make a choice that is not the outcome he desires. ]
Edited (what happened with my formatting) 2022-01-09 14:36 (UTC)
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no subject
[ and, for all that she's relentlessly teased him: ]
i'm not going to be the one to shame you for it.
you're okay?
no subject
A noisy tiff with the ex low hanging fruit for you, anyway.
I'm alright. Sorry you had to hear any of that, really I am.
no subject
i wouldn't have guessed the two of you were lovers, once.
[ what she's blessedly not asking is how the mechanics of that work. ]
no subject
Hardly, but it's only fair you get the version that isn't twisted by words said in anger.
During the war I was a favorite of his in the army he commanded. When I defected and he proceeded to stalk me and send bounty hunters after me for my trouble to get me back.
It didn't work.
no subject
that story is an unbearably familiar echo. the collar cinched into her bones suddenly feels tighter, a suffocating presence at the base of her throat. ]
did he send them because you were a valuable asset, or because he was in love with you?
[ as in love as anyone can be, she supposes, when their obsession overshadows all else. all reason. maybe the answer shouldn't matter, but she finds herself deathly, dangerously curious. ]
no subject
Sometimes, and I know it to have been the case then, it's just control. Even the one holding the lead can convince themselves otherwise.
You know?
no subject
[ it's close enough to the truth for alina not to feel much more than a pinprick of guilt for her defensive coping mechanism, skirting past her own reflections on the matter. ]
can i ask
how did you feel about him? was leaving an easy choice?
no subject
[ They don't need to be having this conversation face to face to see the walls going up. Impressive, Drift thought he was adept at cutting threads of conversations before they start. ].
You can.
Then? Then I think part of me still believed he would change the world and save us all. That I still had a debt to him for bringing me off the streets, giving me a purpose and even a name. Leaving wasn't even a choice then. It had just sort of happened by mistake but by the time I had distance from him and my old life I knew I could never go back.
[ He'd never loved him, and hell, Drift doesn't think he'll ever fully like him now. Drift only ever truly loved someone once, and they were gone. ]
That was a lifetime ago, but I don't think we'll ever be 'friends' but he's all I've got of home now.
Sorry, I know you wanted a lighter conversation. I can go back to pretending to be angry with your needling about my non-existent private life if you'd prefer.
no subject
being given a purpose isn't always a gift.
it sounds like you were right to leave that part of your past behind you to find a new purpose.
[ as behind him as he could, at any rate; alina knows all about being haunted by the pieces of home that had stalked them here like a taunt from fate itself. like finding comfort in the crumbled foundation of a broken home, no matter how the uncomfortable cold seeps through the walls. ]
no, it's my fault. i shouldn't have asked you to dig up bad memories.
sorry.
no subject
But not every memory has to be 'bad' for it to need to be let go in the end. [ He laughs at himself where it goes unheard to the lines of text ]
Annnnnd you probably don't want to hear me start waxing philosophical either. I think I've given you enough ammunition to tease me over you don't need an arsenal
no subject
some of us are more sentimental than we should risk being.
[ if you aren't alina, digging her claws into memories — forcing them to bleed, in some desperate hunt for the truth. it would be simpler to toss them aside. it's what she should do, what she needs to do, to maintain her own sanity and yet ... ]
no, not tonight. maybe later when i can write down notes for future teasing sessions.
no subject
I'd be angry if I weren't flattered by the dedication
How are you holding up?
no subject
when you say it like that it makes me want to ask if you have to oil your creaky joints
[ deflection by way of aggressive, teasing sarcasm? it's more likely than you might think. ]
you should be
i'm holding up fine
why wouldn't i be holding up fine?
no subject
[ he's not but he looks great, alright? ]
alina
it's normal, boring old social niceties to ask anyone how they are
you can always just say 'fine'
but we were just in the infirmary so
it never hurts to ask
no subject
i know it's a social custom
you might find this hard to believe but i wasn't raised by wolves
anyway i'm fine. back to good health
you don't have to worry
no subject
why would i think that?
you hardly ever bark
no subject
i suppose that explains some things ...
[ but, all of her playfulness aside: her mind comes to a screeching, uncertain halt. is this the horses incident all over again? ]
are you
wait
you're serious right now?
no subject
[ can't fault her there, he painted that target on his back ]
for the most part?
it's always animals with you
no subject
[ it's always animals. ]
have you ever seen a wolf?
no subject
[ give him a second ]
pictures
and i'm familiar with the phrase
even if i don't understand it but i can infer it has something to do with manners
i don't think you have bad manners
i just don't think i've given you enough reason to trust me
which is alright
i've accidentally compared you to a whole zoo by now
no subject
like a firebird. or a dragon.
[ splendid, mythical. creatures that might be hunted for their scales and their spark, but too powerful to be felled. it's a pleasant fantasy, at any rate, even if alina isn't certain what she is. not a mouse any longer — perhaps just morozova's stag, bleeding out in the snow, too great a threat to be left alive. ]
don't take it personally.
most people don't give me enough reason to trust them.
[ for all that she's offered trust here, it's in parts and parcels. what does she trust? clara's determination. rhysand's devotion. yelena's honesty. aleksander's calculating mind. drift's commitment to the right cause. the fault isn't with drift — but with her. ]
no subject
i could see the parallels
you're both very
bright
[ there is a three-decker novel to be read between the lines of everything Alina was saying. drift might be slow on Earth fauna, but mythical creatures were not solely in the territory of human folklore, and one universal constant was they weren't known for trusting easily
having lived more than one lifetime snapping at outstretched hands drift could sympathize ]
you're right
people conflate caution with cynicism
i never cared for that
no subject
its a bird whose wings were born of flames
legend says sankta vasilka turned into the first firebird after weaving wings
if it was that simple all of us would be firebirds
[ the pang of envy knotting in her chest is a stupid, childish thing — envious of fairytales, the impossible becoming possible, sankta vasilka's flight of freedom. like a candle in the wind, she stamps it out with a gusting exhale. ]
is there much difference between the two?
both are born from experience, in their own way
no subject
a phoenix is a bird prevalent in human mythology
associated with fire in some countries
meant to symbolize rebirth and only appears in areas or places that are blessed
very popular tattoo choice among street gangs, actually
[ human history was a rich tapestry and drift envies alina for having multitudes to chose from ]
very much so
caution allows for the chance to be proven wrong where cynicism does not
no subject
can't say i know many street gangs. if i didn't know any better i would say you have a miscreant reputation
[ only she does know better, and she's still certain — from sprinkled clues she's collected — that drift's past is one shrouded in seediness. ]
in that case, i'm cautious
but i don't expect to be proven wrong, either
[ only to be proven right. but drift's differing definitions — it's too close to the dividing line between herself and aleksander. her caution, and his paranoia, his inability to allow the freedom to make a choice that is not the outcome he desires. ]